You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize