Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
