well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
