Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
