Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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