Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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