i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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