i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
