There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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