yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
