I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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