All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
