dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
