But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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