onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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