Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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