I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
smell my finger.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
