just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize