the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We don't watch enough power rangers
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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