I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
