Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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