So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
