I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
