My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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