Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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