I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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