I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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