there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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