I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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