Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
