Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
