I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
