I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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