Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
