My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
