She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
