I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We talked him into tasing himself.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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