you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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