she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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