also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
