that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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