My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
