I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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