ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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