I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
