Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
