Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
