so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
