You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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