Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
