Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize