My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
