last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
