im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
