It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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