my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
