I molested 6 butterflies tonight
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
