i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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