Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
