You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
