i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
