Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize