it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i love accidental penises.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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