grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
