I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
