i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
