I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
