My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
