***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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