the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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