Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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