I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
