You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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