I puked a lego.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
MIDGETS
????
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize