By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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