Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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