My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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