i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
