He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
