Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize